Me

I am not sure how to start this, I just know it's probably something I should write in an attempt to discover myself. For the past 8 or so years (1998ish) I have felt fairly confident in myself, in my social skills, work skills, and in general life. But lately I have been through some things that have made me realise I may not be sure of 'me'.

For a few years I have been looking for a 'best friend', and originally I had thought this person would have certain characteristics: A person that I could trust with anything and everything, someone I could turn to at any time for anything. I've always thought this should be someone outside a relationship, but maybe that's the problem. If I see some subjects as unapproachable with a partner then will I ever truely trust a partner.

I now think the 'best friend' will never come. Not because there's a lack of really nice people out there, but because I still find it difficult to truely trust people. It's all well and good saying I need someone I can trust, but when such a person presents themselves I am not sure I'll know how to handle it.

Things are not as bad as they may seem, I have over the past year trusted a few people with things I have not before. The people that spring to mind are Steve, Tom, Greg and Rebecca. All of them in vastly different ways, but all important because I have been able to share things I would not have in tha past.

There are things about myself I do know. I don't desire wealth, fame or power. A bit of each would be nice, but I can do without them. What I can't do without is my friends, although I may not show appreciation often enough I do think about them all.

Last Updated: 2004-01-19

Sister

I intended to write this such a long time ago, but as I didn't really have a plan on how I'd write such a strange story I left it. So I left it until I could work out what to do, work out what to write and how to go about finding her.

My (older) sister was adopted at birth back in 1967, and for the past 20 or so years my mother has been trying to find her. About 10 years ago I did a little work on it, but never really found any information. We hadn't given up, but we had scaled things back a little I guess, leaving things with the agencies we'd registered with.

While on a trip to the US (October 2004) I called my mother one sunny Saturday morning and did the usual asking how she is. But unlike usual calls she didn't babble on about things she'd told me so many times, this time she gave me the amazing news that my sister had been in touch. My sister had been looking for over 17 years, and had finally found us. OMG!!!

So I now have a sister (four years older than me), two neices (13 and 11 in 2004) and a nephew (1 in 2004).

Last Updated: 2004-10-26

Inner Peace

To be totally honest I am not sure what Inner Peace is. But if it's possible I'd like to attain it, surely it's not that difficult. Or maybe it is, and that's the point. To gain inner peace maybe you have to understand who and what you are, and to be okay with what you have. Do I know who I am, and more importantly, am I happy with myself!?!

I can't honestly say I am happy with me, there are so many things about me I am unhappy and even ashamed of. Yet, there are far more things about my life I am happy about, I have some fantastic friends, I love each of them so much - maybe I should tell them more often. Although I am finding it easier, I still find it difficult to express my feelings towards people, especially those close to me. Mental note #1 - Tell those close to me how much they mean to me.

The past few years have brought me a mixed bag of happiness, loneliness and sadness. I have shared my life with three people, two for a period of years, and one for a few short months. Each has had a major impact on my life, feelings and emotions. Unfortunately not all good.

For two I have, for a time, brought pain and disappointment in ending the relationship. They both felt things were not going well towards the end, and both thought, given time, things would get better. Unfortunately with me, things don't work that way.

For the third I felt a little of the pain I have caused the previous two. I was hurt in a way I have not felt before, a pain that does not go when with friends, in good company, or under the influence of drink. I have wondered whether this pain I felt is similar to that I have caused others. It may seem that I felt more for this person than the other two, that is not the case. It's true I was hurt more in the latter relationship, but only because I did not have months to come to a realisation I felt differently. In fact the third was nothing more than a fling, yet it felt so much more painful than I would have expected.

Another aspect of Inner Peace is understanding. Throughout my life I have encountered a number of events I would prefer to forget, yet I cannot. For those that know me well it may be strange to think there's things I cannot forget, but unlike birthdays, names, dates, I find some things difficult to forget. I wish I could write about them, maybe then I could gain some relief from the confusion and pain. If you've read this far, please remember that there are always people that will miss you. I miss you and love you Uncle David

To recap, the list of things to work on:
1. Tell those close to me how much they mean to me.

Last Updated: 2004-02-15